The Evil Plan
by NekyuToi
Summary: With an evil plan more original than the title, can the heroes take a break from all the partying and drugs to finally stop Shin-Ra once and for all? Swearing, drugs, sex and booze; you've been warned!
1. Chapter 1

**The Evil Plan**

**Please be warned; this is a no-holds barred, weird story with a sick plot and sick humour. Why read it if you don't like that stuff? Review it if you like it!**

**Once upon a time, in a dirty flat in Kalm, lived a group of smack-heads who once saved the planet from some long haired git hell bent on destroying the world. They had hit hard times after rescuing mankind, and after discovering heroin decided the planet could save itself.**

**One day, everyone was out buying cocaine, except Aeris and Barret, who were looking after Red XIII, who had come down with a cold.**

**"Oh, GOD, Barret." Red XIII screamed from his bed. "Keep down the noise!" **

**Barret was practicing on his trombone, yet again. Aeris was sat in the corner, tissues shoved in her ears and a needle in her arm, completely out of it.**

**"I've gotta practice, fool!" Barret retorted, throwing Tifa's soiled knickers at him.**

**"Oh, fucking hell." Red XIII moaned. "I feel sick enough as it is." he rolled over in his bed and vomited down the side. Since Barret was deliberately getting louder to annoy him, Red XIII got up, went over to him playing and vomited as much as he could into the trombone. Barret's eyes widened as the vomit seeped into his gob, and he threw the trombone automatically out the window. **

**"You cunt!" he screamed, spitting the vomit out. Just then, Tifa entered.**

**"Oh, my, God!" she laughed. "You'll never believe what just happened."**

**Barret and Red XIII stopped fighting for a moment and looked up at her.**

**"What?" Red XIII asked, bleeding from every orifice.**

**"Well, Cloud just found Vincent's dead body in the gutter! He says he's going to find the murderer. Want to help?" she asked. Since they had nothing better to do, and Red XIII was feeling a little better, they decided to give a hand. Aeris did not, however, as she was enjoying her little heroin session.**

**"Yep, he's dead all right." Red XIII sighed, dropping Vincent's hand out of his gob; it fell to the floor with no resistance.**

**"At least he went the way he lived: in the gutter, lying in used syringes." Tifa sighed, a slight smile upon her lips. She placed a white rose on his corpse, and suddenly noticed something on his torso. "What's this?"**

**Leaning closer, she noticed it was a red matchbook.**

**"It may be evidence!" Red XIII cried. "The investigation has begun!"**

**Tifa, Barret and Red XIII walked quietly down the Midgar streets, looking intently for more evidence. Although they had been ambling about for a few hours now, they hadn't found anything of importance.**

**"You stupid bitch, Tifa." Red XIII spat. "We've been walking round for bloody ages now!"**

**"Yeah!" Barret joined in. "Why don't we stop at a pub or summat and ask around!"**

**Tifa sighed and caved; they weren't getting anywhere, fast.**

**They stopped then, at the next pub they came to, the Clit Iris Inn. It was a nice establishment, full of murderers and rapists.**

**All three of them sat at the bar and ordered the special, a Flaming Pissoir; it was a tequila mixer with urine in it and dirty syringe placed in the glass.**

**"Lovely!" Tifa exclaimed, gulping it down. She had to be pat on the back hard by Barret though, after she accidently swallowed the dirty syringe.**

**"Don't worry." said the barman. "The needle was found up a dead hooker's arse, so there's nothing left in it."**

**"We want to ask you a few questions." Red XIII began his investigation, while Barret performed CPR on Tifa.**

**"What kind of questions...?" the barman asked, suspiciously. "If it's about that dead hooker, she was like that when I found her..." **

**"No, it's about something else." Red XIII exclaimed, as Tifa came around.**

**"Stop touching my tits!" she screamed, kicking Barret off of her.**

**"So much for thanks!" Barret shouted, punching her out.**

**"Oh, well, what is it about then?" the barman wondered, polishing some glasses.**

**"Today, a friend of ours was found dead in a gutter a few miles away! We don't know who did it, we have no evidence, all we found was a red matchbook placed on his corpse." Red XIII kept his eye on the barman to see any expression he may make.**

**"A red matchbook..." the barman trailed off, deep in thought.**

**"Any ideas?" Barret asked.**

**"Now that you mention it... there is a shop that sells matchbooks in Midgar. The only shop in Midgar that does, actually. It's in Sector 1."**

**"Sector 1!" Tifa coughed, standing up from the floor. She brushed the cigarette butts and vomit from her clothes and sat down at the bar seat. "That's Shin-Ra territory."**

**"Hmm, maybe we should give Vincent up." Red XIII sighed.**

**"Never!" Barret cried. "Not if the Shin-Ra is involved!!" **

**"Yeah!" Tifa exclaimed, raising her hand in the air.**

**"Whatever..." Red XIII snorted, as he left the bar. Tifa and Barret followed him out, red in the face.**

**In Sector 1, the group searched long and hard for the matchbook shop... it took a long time, but eventually they came upon it. Unfortunately for them, it was closed. **

**"Shit!" Barret sighed. **

**"Might as well go home." Red XIII suggested, turning back.**

**"No way! Let's break in." Tifa cried, breaking the glass and jumping through the window. "No turning back now!"**

**All three of them entered the shop illegally and searched around for clues. **

**The shop was very dark as it was closed, and they couldn't see much. Eventually, their eyes adjusted, and they searched for any items that matched the red matchbook they found on Vincent's corpse. They did find something: a display case full of red matchbooks. A sign was placed above it that red SHIN-RA SPECIAL, MEMBER ONLY FLOOR 69 69 LOVE!**

**"Wow... so the Shin-Ra is involved." Red XIII whispered.**

**"But why...?" Tifa asked. She did not expect an answer.**

**"All we can do now is go home and tell the others what we found, I guess." Barret suggested. **

**And that is exactly what they did.**

**A few hours later, and they were home. Aeris was coherent now, and could talk without drooling on herself.**

**"Hey, guys." she said, as they entered through the door.**

**"Where have you been?" Cloud asked. Cloud, Aeris, Yuffie and Cid was sat on the large sofa watching some trashy TV. Cait Sith was in the corner, recharging his batteries, therefore unable to speak.**

**"Investigating Vincent's murder." Tifa said, off-handedly. "Whatcha watching?"**

**"Nothing much." Cid muttered, puffing away on his cigarette. **

**"Well, put it off then! We got summat to tell ya!" Barret bellowed, shooting the television to smithereens.**

**"Hey!" Aeris exclaimed. "Great! I got bugger all to do now." she went over to the corner of the room again, tightening her hair ribbon around her arm and injecting some heroin into a throbbing vein; within a few seconds she was out of it.**

**"Thank god, I don't have to put up with her bitching at me for a few hours..." Yuffie sighed.**

**"So what do you want to tell us?" Cloud asked.**

**"We found what the little red match book meant." Tifa exclaimed, sitting on Cloud's lap.**

**"What does it mean, baby?" he stroked her hair and licked her neck; she laughed softly as he started to caress her hips and inner thigh.**

**"Well..." she started, giggling. "...it means he was killed by someone from Shin-Ra."**

**"Really..." he whispered, nuzzling her breasts with his chin. Yuffie moved up the sofa away from them, only getting closer to Cid. Cid, getting the wrong message, put his arm around Yuffie and winked at her. **

**"Ew!" Yuffie exclaimed. But before she could stand up and walk away, Cid locked her in an embrace and snogged her, crushing his unlit cigarette onto her cheek; after trying to resist for a few seconds she gave in, for she actually liked it, and they simply sat there, lips locked, hands exploring over each others bodies as death hung over the room.**

**"What are we going to do about it, Tifa?" Cloud asked, kissing her neck repeatedly.**

**"I suggest..." she moaned, gasping for breath. "We break into their building."**

**"When?" he continued, rubbing her back.**

**"Tomorrow!" she shrieked as he shoved his hand up her top, and unhooked her bra.**

**"Good idea." he laughed.**

**Cid and Yuffie had fallen off the sofa, and were on the floor now, nearly completely naked. While all of this was going on, Barret and Red XIII were in the corner of the room with Aeris, smoking from a hookah and stitching a quilt with a mushroom pattern.**

**"Tifa, do you love me?" Cloud asked, as he pulled her top over her head.**

**"Yes..." she whispered and trembled.**

**"Do I love you?"**

**"Yes." her lips quivered, as she unbuttoned his jacket. Her breasts were exposed now, as was his chest. He placed his arm underneath her knees and scooped her up, moving her over to the sheet on the floor. In an instant they were under it, making mad, passionate love. **

**Yuffie and Cid, totally exposed to the others in the room, were also shagging like rabbits, yet they were so out of it on cocaine that they did not give two shits who saw. After Cid had waited for Yuffie to come he did so himself and they lay still, buzzing till the morning came.**

**When the morning did come, they all got took turns throwing water over themselves to substitute a bath and a change of clothes and got ready for a new day of investigation and infiltration; they were going to break into the Shin-Ra building!**

**"Right." said Cloud, for he had taken position as leader. "Today we are going to break into the Shin-Ra building today."**

**"Yes, sir!" they all shouted in unison.**

**"As you know, that matchbook holds some sort of chip, which allows you to get up to floor 69. Which means we could either sneak in, or blast our way in. I say we sneak in. Who is with me?"**

**"We are, sir!"**

**"Good. We'll split into two teams. All the boys are on my team, all the girls on the other. We can't risk getting caught if we are all tempted to shag each other, agreed?"**

**"Agreed!"**

**A few hours later, they had all reached the Shin-Ra building. It loomed overhead, like an ugly skyscraped, built for destruction. After the last one was destroyed by the Weapon, it was rebuilt once Sephiroth was killed by popular demand; people was ignorant, they soon forgot Shin-Ra's evil. **

**The new Shin-Ra building was more secure than ever. Utilising the most up-to-date techniques, they had only ever had one intrusion, and that was a 4 year old girl who had wandered in there by mistake. Everyone had assumed she was an employee; she was quickly neutralised though, and no one ever spoke about it again.**

**On the north side, outside of Shin-Ra building, the girl team was deciding on how to get inside.**

**"So, how are we to get inside?" Aeris asked.**

**"I don't know!" Yuffie sobbed, stamping her feet and sitting on the floor, rolling a joint. Tifa went over to her and slapped it out of her hand; Yuffie watched in horror as it flew away.**

**"No joints, we have to stay focused." Tifa commanded.**

**"Just who made you boss, big tits?" Yuffie spat.**

**"I'm the eldest, therefore I am boss, no tits! Now, let me see..." she trailed off, looking through the binoculars she had found in the trash. Peering through them, she could see someone had left a window open on what seemed to be the third floor. "If we can climb to the third floor, we can get in through that open window."**

**"No WAY!" Aeris screamed.**

**"Got a better idea?" Tifa smirked.**

**"No." **

**"Then let's go!"**

**A few moments later, the girls were hanging on to the side of the building, two floors up. They were using suction pads made from padded bras Aeris used for when she was on the game. **

**"Almost there...!" Tifa groaned, pulling herself up. Eventually, they reached the open window, and Tifa pulled herself in. Yuffie was next to clamber inside, but there was some difficulty with Aeris. Just as she was about to reach the window, the bra strap snapped, and Tifa and Yuffie looked on in horror as Aeris fell three storeys down onto the stone, concrete, cold, cobbled, electrified, barb-wired, mined floor below!**

**"Oh, leave her, she's gone!" Tifa exclaimed, grabbing Yuffie's hand and pulling her away from the window.**

**Yuffie and Tifa noticed they were in what seemed to be an office; it was pretty dark, but it was out of office hours. They couldn't hang around there all night though, so they opened the door leading into the hallway and stepped outside. The hallway was long, dark and creepy. Since it was the third floor, security seemed pretty non-existent.**

**"Let's find a lift." Tifa suggested, pulling Yuffie along.**

**They stalked along the dimly-lit hallway, until they eventually came across a shitty, dirty lift. Pressing the UP button they awaited for it to come. When it did, they entered it, ignoring the urine smell and the soiled knickers on the lift's floor. **

**"Ugh, hurry up and press 69, Tifa." Yuffie grunted.**

**"There are no buttons!" Tifa cried. And she was right! The panel where the buttons would normally be was simply a metal sheet, and there was not even an emergency stop button. Suddenly, the lift's door slammed shut, and they were both sealed inside. A voice rang inside the elevator, it was cold and robotic.**

**"THANK YOU FOR RIDING WITH SHIN-RA LIFTS TO-DAY. ENJOY YOUR RIDE." it spoke.**

**"Uh, oh." Yuffie whispered. The lift sprang into life.**

**"It feels like we are going up." Tifa exclaimed, banging on the metal panel. As she said this, green gas started to seep into the enclosed space; within a few seconds, both were knocked out cold.**

**-----------------**

**On the east side of the Shin-Ra building, the boy team was deciding how to enter the complex.**

**"I say we enter through the front door." Red XIII suggested. **

**"And how do you SAY that?!" Barret shouted, angrily.**

**"Don't you think Cloud looks like a woman?" he smirked.**

**"What the hell do you say for?" Cloud sulked.**

**"Well, every bloke loves it when a woman turns on the charm..."**

**"Your point..?"**

**"Ugh, you are so dense..."**

**It was late, and at the Shin-Ra reception desk, Dio was very tired. Since he was fired from the Golden Saucer 'cause he was having sex with the customers, only the Shin-Ra would take him on, but he found the receptionist job tedious and dull. Sifting through some papers, he heard some footsteps come through the main entrance door. Lifting his head, he saw it was a woman. A pretty attractive woman, with blonde hair and radiant blue eyes. She walked rather awkwardly, and wore a long pink dress that seemed to not fit her very well, since her muscles were a little well developed, but she was attractive.**

**"Hey there, gorgeous." Dio saluted her.**

**"Hey there, handsome." the woman said.**

**"What are you doing here so late?" he asked.**

**"Oh, I got lost, so I wandered in here."**

**"Where are you going?"**

**"Anywhere you want, darling..."**

**"Wow, you are confident, aren't you?"**

**"What's wrong, don't you like tough women?"**

**Dio laughed heartily.**

**"I like my women tough, yeah."**

**"Then do you think you could handle me?"**

**"I think so." he smirked.**

**"Then take me on, 'gorgeous'."**

**The woman walked awkwardly behind the desk and confronted the man; in an instant she was on his lap, snogging him deeply; just before he was about to shove his hand up her skirt she slapped his hand away. She ran her hand up and down his chest and then down his pants, fumbling around down there; smiling, he pulled away.**

**"What are you looking for?"**

**"The keys." she smiled.**

**"What?" the smile on his face fading. Quickly acting, the woman elbowed him hard in the face; the man was knocked back but not unconscious, so the woman jumped off his lap, backflipped out of the heels and then roundhouse kicked him right in the face, sending him backwards onto the floor, out cold. **

**"All done!" the woman exclaimed, ripping off the dress to reveal it was Cloud all along!**

**-------------**

**Everything was hazy... the whole room spinning, Yuffie opened her eyes a little wider, to take in her surroundings. The whole room was rather dim, like a faint glow came from somewhere. **

**"Where... where am I..?" she said, opening her eyes widely. She saw she was in a grand room, full of lighted candles; it was a bedroom. On the bed was Tifa, tied down, completely naked with a feather up her arse.**

**"What's going on...?" she wondered. Standing up she went over to Tifa and attempted to undo the restraints.**

**"I wouldn't do that if I were you." a voice called from behind her. Gasping, Yuffie spun around; it was RUFUS, KING OF SHIN-RA.**

**"Rufus! You are alive!" Yuffie exclaimed in shock. "Have I been taking heroin again?"**

**"Uh... no." Rufus sighed, flicking his hair back with his gloved hand.**

**"What is going on, you bastard!" Yuffie cried, tears in her eyes.**

**"Aeris is dead." Rufus smirked.**

**"I mean, what is going on here!"**

**"Well, uh... Vincent's killing was all a plan to get Aeris here, didn't you see?" Rufus laughed. He went on to explain: Vincent was killed to get Aeris' attention; she would discover the red matchbook and link it to Shin-Ra, coming to the building itself to be trapped by Rufus.**

**"But now..." he continued. "she is dead, and my plan would be ruined were it not for Hojo's brilliant new idea." he laughed manically.**

**"New idea...?" Yuffie choked, sitting on the bed. She did not look at Tifa out of embarrassment.**

**"Yes. We were going to use Aeris womb to create another ancient, to perpetuate a circle and find the promise land. But now that is over, she is dead and her womb is dead. But her DNA is still very much alive, and kept in some tubes. We scooped up her remains found outside the compound, you know. We extracted some cells from her corpse, split up her body parts... and now... Tifa will be enseminated with them. She will be the mother of the new God!" Rufus giggled, raising his hands into the air.**

**"You're crazy, Rufus." Yuffie sighed. "Tifa's done so much heroin her womb's a shrivelled prune."**

**Rufus stopped dead, hands in the air; this was Yuffie's chance. Removing her shuriken, she jumped from the bed, cut the ropes from the bed and lifted Tifa over her shoulder. Rufus ran over to her and tried to stop her, but she stabbed him right in the stomach. Grabbing a sheet from the bed, she ran over the door, kicked it down and flew down the corridor. Luckily, there was a window at the end of the corridor, which Yuffie promptly threw her shuriken at, sending glass everywhere, and providing a handy escape route.**

**If you were on the ground, you could make out a parachute like object floating in the sky from the Shin-Ra building that night, as Yuffie used the sheet as a makeshift air-resistor and safely reached the ground. She escaped the compound and headed home.**

**Back at the apartment, Yuffie opened the door to home and entered inside, surprised to find all the guys there!**

**"What the hell are you doing here!?" she screamed.**

**"Well, we got bored walking around the corridors, and the lift wasn't working." Cid said, non-chalantly.**

**In the Shin-Ra building, Rufus was not finished with his plans... although he did not have a womb, a new cloning device was being created by Hojo to secure a future for Aeris' body parts. **

**Standing in his office at the window, Rufus looked out over the city.**

**"Mwahahahahahah!!!" his laughed echoed through the empty halls of Shin-Ra Building...**


	2. Chapter 2

It was dawn, and rain was falling slowly from the skies. In the run down flat where the group who had defeated Sephiroth lived, all was quiet. Until Barret started his trombone practice that is.

"Damn it, Barret!" Yuffie screeched. "I thought that went out the window!"

"Yeah, well." Barret laughed. "I went and got it back, awight?!" he continued to bellow out some god-awful tune on it, waking the household. Tifa, now awake, looked over to where Aeris used to shoot up... a tear formed in her eye, which she quickly brushed away.

"I must be strong for Aeris." she thought, as she picked herself up from the floor.

"Hey, getting up so early?" Cloud asked her.

"Yes. How can you stand the racket?" Tifa replied, putting cigarette butts in her ears. Cloud nodded his head and got up as well, opening the flat's window. Everyone in the neighbourhood hated when he did that, for they would hear Barret too, but they couldn't say anything since he DID help save the world.

"What are we going to do today?" Cid asked, fumbling around for his lighter.

"I dunno." Barret said. "We solved Vincent's death, I guess."

"What WERE we gonna do to Vincent's killer anyway?" Yuffie asked.

"I don't know... we didn't do anything." Tifa sighed.

The whole gang sat around, restless. They hadn't done anything, they had lost Aeris and they had nearly run out of drugs. There was only one thing that could be done.

A few minutes later everyone was dancing and singing at the local karaoke bar. Although it was only 10 o'clock in the morning, it was a 24 hour drinking bar, which served a whole alphabet of drugs, keeping the gang busy for a bit. Some bimbo tart approached Yuffie in the corner when she first entered the bar though.

"Why are you using drugs?" she asked. "Didn't you once save the world?"

"What a personal question..." Yuffie replied. "You know, once you've saved the world, there isn't much you can do after that which'll top it."

A few hours later and the gang were out of their heads, having forgot about Aeris' horrific, painful, humiliating death. Cid and Yuffie were having sex in the middle of the dance floor, with him penetrating with every beat of the music, and Cloud fingering Tifa behind the bar. Even Barret was having some sexy fun, with his finger shoved up Cid's arse.

A few more hours passed, and the joys of booze, fags and cheap drugs wore off, and the group were plunged back into their depression. Sinking into a booth at the bar, they wondered about what to do next; they really didn't want to go back to that stingy flat. When they were about to commit group suicide, Aeris sat down in the booth next to them.

The whole gang were gobsmacked. The last time Yuffie and Tifa saw Aeris she had fallen three storeys onto an electrified, barb-wired, concrete floor with cobble-stones, with the end result being her body largely dismembered and burnt. Yet, here she was, prim and proper, sat right next to them!

"A-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-aeris!" Yuffie shrieked, white as a ghost.

"Yes?" Aeris said sweetly, pulling out a massive gun from her vagina. She pointed it right at Tifa and shot her in the head, killing her instantly.

"Oh my God!" Yuffie cried. With instinct, they all jumped Aeris, and managed to push the gun far away on the other side of the dance floor. With trance music pumping away in the background, Aeris pushed Cid, Yuffie, Barret, Red XIII and Cait Sith off of her and stood up, smiling. She then proceeded to approach Yuffie. With super-human strength she picked up the booth's metal table and slammed it hard on the floor, although Yuffie was nimble, and avoided it by an inch.

"What the hell are you doing?!" Barret cried, shooting at Aeris. The bullets entered into her body, but simply came back out again slowly, and fell to the floor.

"What's going on?" Red XIII shouted in despair.

"RUN!!" Cid screamed, and scarpered for the exit. They all did so, with Cait Sith going through the window above the bar, Barret and Cid through the fire exit, Red XIII through the front door and Yuffie heading towards the toilets.

Unbeknownst to the group, Aeris had been replaced by a cyborg using the real Aeris' DNA. the cyborg was called MEGA B.I.T.C.H. (Mega Bio Instinct-Trained Corpse Huntress). The Aeris MEGA B.I.T.C.H. had locked onto Yuffie.

'SCANNED LIFE FORM. INSTIGATING FOLLOW.' its circuits ran. It began to pursue her.

Looking back, Yuffie realised Aeris was chasing her. She set her legs to run even faster as she pushed to doors to the lady's loos open. As she had come here before, she knew there was a window in the last cubicle. She ran over to the cubicle, but slipped on the wet floor!

"Ow!" she screamed in pain, after twisting her ankle. She looked back and saw Aeris coming closer. Ignoring the pain as best as she could, she kicked out at Aeris and landed a direct hit in her stomach, sending her head-first into the sink. Aeris' head smashed into the sink, smashing the ceramic in two. She got up though, and continued her pursuit as Yuffie hobbled over to the cubicle, bashed it open and clambered onto the seat to open the window.

"No!" Yuffie cried as Aeris grabbed her leg. Yuffie, panicking, yanked the flush chain as hard as she could and pulled it off, she then wrapped it quickly around Aeris' neck in an attempt to strangle her. So her circuits would not be constricted, Aeris pulled at her hands' giving Yuffie a chance to kick her away again, and flee through the window; she was free... or so she thought.

Landing into an alleyway from the toilet window, Yuffie looked up and down, and noticed the road leading up to her flat. She ran as best as she could, glancing back every so often. She thought she was not being pursued... until when she reached the road, when Aeris suddenly came UP through the road and gave chase! Yuffie, in a state of extreme panic, ripped open her top at the first car she saw; luckily, it was a bloke driving, so he stopped immediately. She dragged him out of the car and nicked it, driving away to escape, but Aeris was amazingly fast, she was able to keep up with the car! Looking in the rear view mirror, she could see Aeris running after the car, even though she was driving at a steady 70 mph! She even drove past her flat!

BANG! She heard, as Aeris grabbed onto the back bumper. Yuffie shit herself as she steered violently right... she did not see the big tree right in front. "CRASH!!!" was all Yuffie heard... that and the air-bag she hit softly, when she hit the tree. Aeris however, was sent flying from the back of the car into the tree, hitting it very... very hard.

After a few seconds, Yuffie regained herself and exited the car. She looked at Aeris; her face was half ripped off... it was half constructed of metal! But there was definitely bone, too, Yuffie saw. She knew Aeris would recover soon, so with bootless speed she hasted away back home!

A few minutes later, Aeris' fingers started to twitch.

"RESETTING..... REBOOTING PROGRAMME C332. KILL GROUP CONT-RA SHIN-RA."

Her legs then started to move, and then her arms. She heaved herself up from the wreck of the car, just as the police arrived. A policeman stepped out of the policecar and approached the scene.

"Ma'am!" he cried. "Are you all right?"

No reply.

"Ma'am...?"

Aeris turned around and faced him. All that was heard was a scream as she pulled a razor blade out from her vagina and ripped off his head. She then stole his uniform, put it on and nicked his car. She was going to Cont-Ra's flat.

Yuffie slammed the door shut behind her as she ran into the flat. Unfortunately for her, no one else was home yet.

"Where could they be?!" she cried, slumping down onto the floor. The flat was quiet and dark, the only light coming from the streetlamps outside that shone through the glassless window. She picked up half a cigarette that lay on the floor and lit it, stressed out of her brain. She had a psycho robot after her and was sick with worry; what was she gonna do? Tifa was dead... Aeris was dead... and had come back to kill her. Would Tifa come back too? Yuffie hoped not; she couldn't handle two psycho bitches. Just as she was about to take a drag from the old cigarette, she noticed a small red dot at the top, she wasn't the cherry: it was a sniper's AIM! She quickly dove to the left, just in time to avoid being shot right through the throat! The bullet went right through the door that was behind her; they must of been armour piercing bullets, thought Yuffie, much later. Scared out of her wits, Yuffie huddled into the corner. Remembering her ninja training, she blew smoke into the room from the cigarette. Sure enough, she could see the infrared beam... someone was targeting at her through a precision rifle. It must have been Aeris. What could Yuffie do?! She felt trapped; she couldn't go out through the door... the window was also guarded.

Aeris lie in wait...

--------------------

"Yo! Anyone here?" Cid called into the bar. After running away from Aeris, he came back a few minutes later to check on the situation. It seemed all was quiet... everyone was gone. He looked around on the dancefloor.

"Strange." he thought to himself. "Tifa's body is gone."

---------------------

Thinking about what she could do to get out of this deadly situation, Yuffie sat quietly. Looking at the cigarette held in her hand, an idea popped into her head. With the infrared beam searching frantically for a target, Yuffie knew Aeris would not give up. She got up on her knees and prepared herself to leap; she put her fingers into flicking position, as she had done before... and put the cigarette in the middle of them. After counting to three, she flicked the cigarette into the middle of the room! It worked! Aeris mistook the moving object for Yuffie and shot at it! Whilst reloading Yuffie jumped through the window as fast as she could, with an almighty smash, landing onto the road below.

Ignoring the pain shooting through her body, Yuffie quickly picked herself up and ran down the road, avoiding nimbly the oncoming shots from the precision rifle; she suddenly spotted Cait Sith coming out of a public toilet, so she grabbed and ran away with him from the flat, hand in hand.

---------------------

About half an hour later, everyone had regrouped at a strip club called the Phoenix Go Down On Me around thirty minutes from their flat, arranging to meet using their PHSs.

"Tifa's dead... Aeris has been robotised... what is going on?" Red XIII whispered. Cid inhaled deeply on a cigarette and stared deeply into space... Cait Sith sat in the corner, also not speaking.

"I dunno... but whatever is goin' on, we 'avta avoid Aeris." Barret suggested.

"Well, obviously. Otherwise we're DEAD! Not even hitting a tree at 100mph can stop that bitch!" Yuffie cried, running her hands through her hair; Cid placed his arm lovingly around her shoulders in an attempt to calm her down. Red XIII pondered for a moment.

"She's obviously not Aeris, but some clone, robotically enhanced. And robots are sensitive to electricity. So if we encounter her again, we just need something powerful enough to taser her with." he noted.

"You think so?" Cid asked.

"It's all I can think of!"

"It's the best we got..." Barret added. They all ordered a drink and a hooker and relaxed for a bit; the evening had taken it completely out of them... for a while they partied and drank, enjoying the hooker's company. Eventually, they ran out of five pound notes to shove into her panties, so left the strip club and found a hotel to sleep in, although it was pretty run down. ... It was much cleaner than their old flat though. It was called Shitski Nein Hotel.

The room in which they stayed was quite big, and had three large double beds. There was one large window with a tar-stained net curtain and also a few ashtrays dotted here and there. The plush carpet was luxurious Yuffie thought, as she took her shoes off and ran around the room, jumping on the beds. The excitement was infectious, and soon Cid had joined in; he ran around the room with her, and even picked up a pillow and threw it at her. She was too quick for him though, and it missed her by a mile! She rolled backwards and picked it up, throwing it back. HIT! Right in the head! He fell back onto the bed, and pretended to be unconscious. Thinking she had hurt him, she went over to the bed to see if he was all right, and that was when he struck! He quickly grabbed a pillow and hit her hard with it, not realising it was actually the headboard! BAM! Yuffie was knocked unconscious.

"What's going on? Is Aeris back?!" Barret cried, as he entered the room and noticed Yuffie on the floor.

"Uh, no.. we had a little accident." Cid laughed, weakly.

"Weirdo." Red XIII whispered, jumping onto a bed and curling up, ready to go to sleep.

"Oh, Red..." Cait Sith moaned, as he too jumped onto the bed. "Don't go to sleep yet!"

"Why not?"

"I wanna tell ghost stories!!"

"What are you, eight?!"

"Well, technically, around that, yes."

"..."


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

"Hey, Cloud, could you pass me a towel?" Yuffie asked, as she came out of the bathroom; she was not wearing even a stitch of clothing as she walked out into the bedroom where all her friends were. No one glanced or even noted her naked body as she took the towel from Cloud, as he sat by the window. Thanking him, she went back inside the bathroom to continue her shower.

"So, what are we gonna do now?" Cid asked, miserably. "We have no home, no money, nowhere to go…"

"No drugs." Red XIII added, jumping up onto an empty bed and laying his head down on the hard pillows. The group, consisting of Cloud, Barret, Red XIII, Vincent, Cait Sith, Yuffie and Cid, were currently in a hotel room avoiding a certain psychopathic robot that took the form of Aeris. Luckily for them, they were quite safe where they were… for now.

_Meanwhile, in the bathroom…_

Yuffie stood in the shower, washing the stress from her body as the lukewarm water rained down on her. She tried desperately not to open her mouth as she lathered up her bosom, fearing that she might accidently swallow the recycled water which she cleansed herself in. After she had finished, she turned the shower head off and stepped out, needing not to dry herself as the warm air came into the room from the summery, picturesque-like day outside. She glanced at the window, breathing slowly as she admired the view. She saw rolling hills of green in the sun, and rabbits dancing amongst the flowers. Smiling to herself, she thanked her lucky stars that she could keep heroin hidden in her orifices so well, so that the others wouldn't steal it off her. Pulling a tiny little frown as she remembered Aeris and Tifa dying recently in such a horrible manner, she shook her head to dispel such depressing thoughts and glided into the bedroom again, stark naked.

"So, what are we going to do today?" Yuffie asked Cloud, quietly; she slowly slipped into a pair of jeans and also a blue sports bra as she spoke to him.

"Well, I guess we've got to get off the continent." He replied, miserable at the thought of having to move or do anything.

"You right, bro'." Barret agreed, shaking his head as he dragged heavily on a cigar. "That bitch robo ho ain't gonna stop chasin' us. And now I guess we got Tifa on our asses, too." He rubbed his temples, angry and resentful of Shinra. He had tried so hard to defeat them, only to fall once again to their mercy. "I have a plan." He started, livening up now as he put his cigar out in Cloud's coffee. "Now, this might sound rather foolish, yet heed me as you hark me. One might naturally assume that the Shinra Electric Company is monitoring steadfastly those who enter in and out of this continent. Therefore, I base this plan on a complex elaboration of reverse-psychology and influence from external stimuli."

"What the fuck are you talking about?" Cid asked, after losing complete understanding of what his comrade was saying. Cid added a salute to Barret to lessen the force of his tone.

"Basically—Shinra know what we gonna do, man. So I say, stay in this damn continent and attack the HQ before they bunk us all off!" Barret winked at Cid after revealing his plan. Looking away and coughing, Cid lit up a cigarette and nodded his head slowly.

"No!" Cloud suddenly screamed, running over to Barret and grabbing him by the shoulders. "We can't do that! Aeris will kill us for sure!" he began crying uncontrollably as Barret sat there upon the bed, unsure of what to do. Raising his hand, he slapped Cloud hard across the face, sending him flying from the bed. Landing in a loud heap on the floor, Cloud started shivering as he assumed a foetal position, thumb stuck firmly in his mouth.

"Ignore him, Barret." Yuffie laughed, sitting beside him and playing with his shoulders. She giggled quietly as she lowered her hands to his chest, playing with his nipples in her delicate, white fingers. Barret moaned slowly, in ecstasy, as she began to slide one of her hands down his shorts. Cid, who was sitting next to the pair, quickly shook Vincent awake as Red XIII ran into the bathroom in disgust. Not waiting for the dark, vampire-like man to come out from his sleeping stupor, Cid grabbed his hand and made for the kitchen, unaware of Cloud lying on the floor; with one huge cry he tripped over Cloud's body, kicking him hard in the stomach as he fell face-first on the floor, Vincent landing on top of him. Vincent, still not quite sure of what was going on, opened his eyes and saw Cid lying underneath him, his eyes closed and a stupid smile upon his face. Thinking that Cid had caved to the many past come-ons he had inflicted on him, Vincent smiled as he began to suck Cid's neck erotically. While all this was going on, Red XIII sat in the bathroom, alone, trying his best to block his ears from the sexual noises emanating from the other room. As he paws couldn't reach them, he had no other option but to dip his head into ice water and force unconsciousness. When he awoke three hours later, it was dark.

Opening one of his eyes slowly, Red XIII looked about the room. He hadn't recently done cocaine or heroin, so he couldn't understand why the room spun so violently. As he attempted to move, his body reacted limply, simply not obeying to his commands. He shut his eye again firmly, hoping someone had simply spiked his drink for a laugh and now he was in bed. But it was too cold… too silent.

_Outside Red XIII's 'room'…_

Hojo gazed into the cell where Red XIII was kept, a smile upon his thin, slit-like lips; everything had worked according to plan. The water supply in the motel was drugged with extreme aphrodisiacs which caused the already-loose party members to seduce each other. As they were distracted, soldiers were deployed to drug them and bring them to Shinra HQ for experimentation. Hojo laughed silently to himself, his shoulders bobbing up and down as he walked down the corridor which contained every member of AVALANCH. He was just glad to have his former lover Red XIII back under his control…


End file.
